We all have shortcomings, some of which we're aware of and actively try to improve. However, there are also those that we're unwilling to confront or even recognize in ourselves. In fact, there are some that we might be completely oblivious to.
For instance, I recently realized just how important healthy debates are to me. Being part of different social circles has led to feedback that I can be "rude" or "argumentative". This surprised me, as I often saw these interactions as engaging discussions or debates on topics I find fascinating. I assumed others also found these debates stimulating, rather than feeling provoked or called out. It turns out, not everyone enjoys delving into uncomfortable topics as much as I do. I guess you can call me self-centered.
I must admit, I didn't enjoy these confrontations. Often, they escalated into situations that were uncomfortable for everyone involved. Clearly, there's something off about my approach. So, the question is, how can I improve?
So, a healthy debating skill would include, among others:
I don’t know why this remained a blind spot for so long. It took me some time to realise two things:
It’s easier to convince others when you know how to speak or appeal to them. E.g. Some people are very receptive to emotional appeals, some not. (This will probably be a whole another article)
For me, something that doesn’t pass a sufficient “stress test” will likely be weeded out sooner or later. Consider a Lego set, where one brick can easily connect to other bricks. However, incorporating something different, like a ball, would be difficult. It's not that the ball lacks substance, it just doesn't fit into the system and rolls away. Similarly, some things, like clay, could technically stick, but soon it will be recognised as not belonging and actively hindering other pieces from working properly. That's when it's better to remove it. This is the purpose of self-analysis: to eliminate harmful or ineffective thought patterns.
People have tried to dismiss me by being rude or antagonistic and appealing to emotions, but this only confused and conversely antagonised me. Appealing to my personality to resolve the issue worked much better and achieved a similar result to what others might have intended, albeit differently. It’s strange and somewhat irrational, but I increasingly recognise that trying to “speak the other person’s language” gets you further.
Enjoying debating doesn't mean I should lack standards for it. I also get upset if someone only wants to provoke me. I have to admit, though, I was raised in an environment that didn't foster a healthy debate culture. But now that I've analysed this enough, I think it's time to make a change.