This article includes a number of observations that are either too short to warrant their own article, or ones that may be developed into an article in the future. Some of them are philosophical, some of them are mundane, some are kind of terrifying. Read with skepticism.
so there is this tool that allows you to search your face on the internet. i mean the whole internet. it found only 3 pictures of me published in a local newspaper—mildly unsettling, but also kind of a relief. good job not posting my face through decades of social media. though, the fact that i have about three doppelgängers working in the adult video industry is definitely unnerving.
today i ate cup noodles... without the cup. (the water i used wasn't hot enough, i had to pour it out in a bowl to boil it.)
eating it from a proper bowl somehow made it... less appetising, as if the experience had lost some kind of fundamental quality, provided by none other than the cup. now it's just noodles. never thought that this is what would break my addiction
i just realised that the site is completely broken on mobile, cause i never bothered to check it. probably the reason why my readership converges to zero. gotta fix it ...some day
suddenly appears out of nowhere -> infodumps you and questions your entire existence in a few days -> commits social faux pas -> literally dies -> disappears for 2.71828 years -> re-emerges as something brand new in a horrifying way / horrifying in a brand new way
Reading my old articles fills me with a deep sense of embarrassment. I told myself, I will resist burning this site to the ground even if I feel that way, such was the fate of many of my old projects. I tried to analyse why I was uncomfortable with reading my previous texts, and I think it's a combination of over-grammarly-ing out of insecurity over my English skills (English is my second language please forgiv---- Dianthus is viciously murdered by a mob of youtube commenters who can't distinguish "they're" vs "their") and trying to force some kind of profound conclusion, thinking it's not worth publishing otherwise. The combination of these two resulted in occassional articles that are best described as mind-numbingly pretentious. So, I recently decided to switch to more of a stream-of-consciousness type of writing that comes more naturally to me, which I can't tell if it is a step forwards or backwards. Let's call it a step sideways.
Geoguessr people kinda scare me, now I can't post my random photos without people guessing where I am from based on random clues I would never expect to be telling - power lines? road markings? sidewalk texture??? Some people even deduce information from the specifics of the google street view car...
Joke's on them, I'm on 3 different continents at the same time. Probably in parts.
For the grand total of three people reading this, I am still alive. While sometimes it might seem like life has come to a halt the past few weeks, actually there were a couple things that happened to me recently. I just got an internship. I almost never tried because I thought, I'm not good enough.
If personality typologies accurately summed up people’s personalities in a couple letters, their inventors would be known for making the most effective data compression systems known to mankind. They aren’t.
I was quite busy in the last two or three weeks or so, didn't realise that I accidentally left all the links in the articles section broken. So there's that.
I also decided to temporarily remove one of my articles, as of now it seems too much like a rant of someone who's been wronged one too many times (which may or may not be true) and I feel like it sort of detracts from the actual message. Maybe it will come back after a rework, maybe not, as of now I will leave it in the scraps heap for a while.
We take constant user feedback, such as likes, comments, subscribes, user interaction, analytics, etc. for granted nowadays, even though many of us would do fine without them. Adding likes to my articles, for example, would give me feedback on what people enjoyed the most, but it would also incentivise me to keep creating that same content. For me, this is not necessarily a good thing, I am not writing to please an audience, however small, I am writing to express what I find important.
If you genuinely didn't care about something, you wouldn't repeatedly assert your indifference. If you find yourself doing this, there's a good chance that you do care in some way.
There are many qualities that I find admirable, but I cannot find these qualities within myself. For that matter, I cannot find them in my surroundings either.
I find immense pleasure in the act of thinking itself, rather than focusing on finding solutions. Any solution emerges as a secondary product of the Thought Process itself. This tendency has a tendency to piss off people.
In the past, people usually derived inspiration from real-life experiences. Now we are practically bombarded with an array of other people's work, leaving our influence pool utterly scrambled. We have too much to digest. I also often find myself looking for artistic inspiration online, but it's just overwhelming and leads nowhere. Even worse than that, I have a fear that what I am doing must be probably derivative.
I figured, if you fear that your work is merely the copy of others, or you are overwhelmed by the sheer amount of different options available to you, try seeking inspiration from your own experiences. "Write what you know" is not necessarily a sin, sometimes it is indeed the way to creating authentic works.
The following thought process was a particular fixation of mine when I was younger:
Regardless of your personal traits or opinions, there exists at least one other person, who would hate you enough for these, that they would be willing to kill you.
I don't like this thought. I really don't. In fact, I believe that most people are highly unlikely to encounter such a situation. For some reason, it still keeps eating me.