Apparently, quite some people admire my dedication to self-improvement, constantly striving to work on my flaws and weaknesses. And it's true – I do put a tremendous amount of effort into bettering myself. However, this drive often stems from a darker place – my deep insecurity and sensitivity to criticism.
For me, self-improvement evolved as a coping mechanism. To be honest, I’m an extremely insecure person who is easily hurt by even mild critique. Sometimes, I work on improving certain traits simply to prove my detractors wrong, out of spite more than genuine self-betterment. (I guess, some days I operate purely on spite, but as long as it works…?)
Taking criticism and admitting your shortcomings is challenging. You have to confront the brutal truth – that yes, you do suck at certain things, and yes, you are doing some things wrong. Sometimes even the most selfless-looking people struggle with their ego – sometimes the very selflessness may stem from someone’s ego (“I want others to see me as a selfless person and admire me for it”). Maintaining self-compassion through this is arduous, especially when you're surrounded by people who show little compassion for themselves or others. It's even harder when it feels like every action you take is deemed incorrect.
Then there's the question of where to draw the line. At times, I feel like people are constantly trying to 'fix' me, and I wonder – at what point do I lose my authentic self? There are areas of improvement that I resist fiercely, for reasons beyond my comprehension, even when the suggested changes seem reasonable. Other times, I worry that I've become a people-pleaser, molding myself to others' expectations. My self-concept is so fractured that I can't discern what's truly me anymore.
Logically, I know I shouldn't cling to negative traits, and yet here I am. For instance, I'm extremely reluctant to make eye contact, and I wish people would just accept that and let me be. I desperately want to be a better person, but it terrifies me. Sometimes I feel like at my core, I'm a bad or at least deeply flawed person. If that part of me is 'fixed,' I fear there will be nothing left – I won't know who I am anymore.